Sarah Palin’s relative ran an illegal Church.

Sarah Palin’s relative ran an illegal Church.  There.  Got your attention didn’t I.   I could also say that it was former President Bush’s cousin who ordered the fatal attack on Osama Bin Laden.  My partner’s brother-in-law’s grandmother’s third cousin’s wife’s daughter may have worked in McDonalds.   The first two statements are true: I honestly cannot truthfully say if my partner’s brother-in-law’s grandmother’s third cousin’s wife’s daughter may have worked in McDonalds or not and, to be honest, I don’t really care.  (But I do have a friend who works at a Wendy’s in Indiana and a relative works in McDonalds in Newport  – no, not that Newport, one of the other ones…)

If you survived the first paragraph, you may be asking where is this going?  Well, before the answer, consider this.  The grandson of a senior lecturer in zoology at Cambridge University is has admitted offences during a protest.  Interesting?  Maybe.  But now add another piece of information – It happens to be the son of Pink Floyd’s Dave Gilmour – and gosh, we have scandal.

Earlier today I read in an edition of a UK newspaper that the daughter of Sarah Palin had been pulled over by a very nice policeman whilst she was driving an Escalade at 84mph in contravention of the speed limit of 65 and was duly issued with a ticket.  So this young lady has now become of one of the roughly 100,000 people a day who get a ticket in the United States.  Yes, that’s right.  On average, one in every six drivers get a speeding ticket each year – 41 million in the US.  In the UK, 2,000,000 speeding tickets were issued during the last year for which statistics are available, that is an average of over 5,200 per day.  If a single newspaper had to print the names of all those who get a speeding ticket in the US and UK every day, and each person has a forename and surname and you add in the speed and vehicle make – hold on, running out of fingers and toes here – that’s 420,800 words.  Considering that The Complete Works of William Shakespeare is accepted as being 884,000 words,  every day, a newspaper would publish the equivalent of half of Shakespeare’s anthology – just to inform its readers who got speeding tickets yesterday.

So, why was this particular young lady‘s misdemeanour published?  Silly me, I should have realized, it’s because she is the grand-daughter of Charles and Sarah Heath and everyone needs to know that their grand-daughter is capable of driving an Escalade faster than 65mph.  It’s like when I was a child, my mother would be sat with her friends and obviously start talking about the latest indiscretions of some person – well, more than likely to be just one of a handful of people – and I used to wonder exactly what the heck they were saying: “well, she’s got a nerve, in church like that”…. “not his see, thats the butchers” ….. “at it like rabbit”…..”if her dead mother knew, she’d be turning in her grave”.  I still don’t know exactly what they were talking about, but I do remember getting a slap when I asked Mrs Carter what did she have that belonged to the butcher, why was she a nervous rabbit in church and did she know what a brazen hussy was….

But at least my mother and her friends knew who Mrs Carter was and to be fair, were probable slightly jealous that Mrs Carter was getting free butcher’s sausage to feed her rabbit.  But I am sure that my mother didn’t care about the fact that some girl hundreds of miles away was making eyes at the baker.  So, why on earth would a newspaper make the assumption that one speeding ticket out of 100,000 is interesting?  For the same reason that a story about a man beating a dog must be more newsworthy if you mention that he worked for Dreamworks, the company co-founded by Steven Spielberg and producers of family orientated animations.  Mmmh. Lets follow that logic through:  A man should not be cruel to a dog because he works on children’s films.  So I wonder if the reverse is true:  A Catholic educated artist who was an ex-choirboy and loves dogs cannot be cruel to people.  Must go back in time and talk to Mrs Hitler about this. 

I can understand why.   I suppose when you sit down to write something and a blank sheet of paper stares back, defying you to make a mark on it and then on top you have to get someone to read it, it is easy to link your piece to a recognisable hook and apparently when your story is published on the interwebs something called a search engine will point people to your article by mistake.  For example, in this article I have managed to link Sarah Palin, Adolf Hitler, George Bush, the Church, McDonalds, Wendys, Pink Floyd, Cambridge University, Dreamworks, Steven Spielberg, Dave Gilmore and Mrs Carter’s butcher’s sausage.  Easy money.

So what of Mrs Palin’s relation used to run an illegal church?  Well, someone called John Lathrop was exiled to the United States from the United Kingdom in the mid 1600s for running a church that had broke away from the main Anglican faith.  His direct descendents include George Bush, Sarah Palin, Clint Eastwood, Brooke Shields and Sean Stmad, who is a rapper in Detroit.  Now if I had started this article saying that is was Sean Stmad’s relation who ran an illegal church, you wouldn’t have read this far. Oh, and before you ask, President Obama is apparently an 11th cousin of former president, George W. Bush.

 But I really don’t care.  When you used to go “Oh mom” when she was about to do something you disapproved of, you realize that you cannot be responsible for your mother’s actions in the same way as you cannot be held responsible for your children’s actions when they are in their late teens or young adults.  And I am really sure that Steven Spielberg’s animation studio does not require that “Ability to be Cruel to Animals” appears on a person’s resume in order for them to get a job.  So please, if you are a reporter and reading this, next time you have to write an article about someone speeding, make it about that couple down the road – you know, the ones with the red light outside the door and a great liking for butcher’s sausage.  At least this will be interesting to me as I know who they are and that they are not vegans. Oh, and their brother-in-law’s grandmother’s third cousin’s wife’s daughter was on a plane going to the same airport that the Queen once visited.


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